Wednesday, October 02, 2002

I've been watching late nite tv while I wrote the previous entry... infomercials... I WANT AN ULTIMATE CHOPPER!
I went to the Coffee Garden today and wrote in my Journal that I occasionally keep: (Last entry before this one was November of 1998...LOL)

...I still like making eclectic mixed tapes, lounge music, (the latest Ultra Lounge sampler, "Vegas! Baby") good movies and guys-who-like-life-intensely-and-like-to-kiss. I still love coffee shops and silly introspection in coffee shops... I still think it would be awesome to open a coffee shop somewhere on the planet w/ Bekka... I went to a private club called "Shaggy's Living Room" last night that was great inspiration for a coffee shop. It seems as if a desire such as this is so constant in my life why not pursue it? Something tragically hip... a cross between Shaggy's Living Room and the "Coffee Garden " (which is where I am right now)... a great place that showcases local artistic talent on the walls and has great mixed tapes on the stereo. Comfy couches and interesting regulars... studio space for photography/painting and more for massage... available for rent and for me to use. If a coffee shop doesn't have an open mic night where people can read their cheesy and self-tortured poetry and play their cheesy, self-tortured esoteric music, it is worth it's community salt?

Sunday, September 29, 2002

An idea from Chad, if "The Squatter in Chief," Dubya, wants to fight this war against Iraq so bad.. why dont we do like in the Ages of Kings: If a King takes us to war, he's in the front line AND if we lose we get to cut off his head! Great deterrent for war, don't ya think?

Sounds fucking good to me.

An Ultimate Fighting Cage-Match with King Georgie Porgie and Sa-damn sounds like another fucking great plan. Really we'd be solving SO many problems all at once. And think of the ratings!! We could market the whole extraaganza ala Super Bowl Sunday. We could have it as a Tag Team! Georgie and Ariel Shaorn vs. Saddam and Yassir Arafat. The winner gets a big gold belt and a permanent retirement from the world of politics. The loser... well it's a cagematch and sorry but I think they wouldnt get to even enjoy being in second place.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

I heard about this book on the Diane Rehm show this morning... (all hail NPR)

The Hydrogen Economy, by Jeremy Rifkin

on a similar note, this is a book that Chad and I own about using systems thinking towards a cleaner corporate world

Natural Capitalism: Creating the Next Industrial Revolution
by Paul Hawken, Amory Lovins, L. Hunter Lovins
Political Links

The other evening, Chad, Rachel, Mike, Justin, and I saw: Jello Biafra, Krist Novolselic, Jill Sobule (who's hilarious) and Julia "Butterfly" Hill, as a part of The Spitfire Tour.. it was really informative and thought provoking... here are some links to that effect...

Instant Run-Off Voting
a really cool flash demonstration of IRV
People for the American Way
Information about the Green Party
Proportional Representation hosted by Krist Novoselic
Down with corporate advertising: Adbusters!
Al Gore speaking on Dubya's Iraq insanity
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Had a weird experience tonight... was walking home from seeing the Spiderman and Men in Black II double feature at Trolley Square.. Spiderman was a completely awesome movie adaptation of the comic book and Tobey Maguire is totally hot. but I digress... anyway.. as Chad and I were walking back from the movie, i saw three Saab's identical to my friend Michael's Saab... I thought this was odd (weird, really) and told myself that I would call him if I saw another Saab by the time chad and i got home... standing at a crossswalk on 9th East and 4th South forty-five seconds later, a grey Saab identical to his passes us. I called him as soon as I got home... we discussed going to the Celebrating the Body Erotic Class together. This would be really cool and interesting as Michael and I have very oftenfound oursleves on the same journey...Chad says that if you look at the clues around you... you can follow the Golden Thread that The Fates have spun into your life. Is this an example of such a Golden Thread????

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

I am sad to report that I won't be going to Los Angeles in a week and a half. I was going back and forth, vacillating between whether or not I should go... I had finally decided that I was going to go and spoke with Kent Sunday night to finalize our itinerary... tickets were $94 dollars on Sunday night... I went back on Monday and they were $200 dollars. Fuck you Travelocity and fuck you Orbitz!

So now I can't really afford to go. I will go at a later date, probably in the first quarter of next year, but it still bums me out a bit that I can't go now. The bright side is that I will be this much closer to getting licensed now, and can start charging people for massages. Woo hoo!

Saturday, September 14, 2002

The Salt Lake City Weekly always has good horoscopes.. and I usually clip out the ones that I think are pertinent to my life. This weeks horoscopes for Cancer and Capricorn (I am a Capricorn rising and a Capricorn moon) are really great, and especially relevant since I am going to be in Los Angeles in 4 weeks, going on what Joseph Kramer describes as a "vision quest" Enjoy.
Cancer Horoscope for week of September 12, 2002
"As you grow older, you will become less enslaved by the negative imprints of your early childhood; you'll become increasingly free from the distortions your soul suffered at the hands of your kin. At the same time, your advancing years will bring a wonderful perk: You'll be able to harvest ever-greater amounts of the valuable gifts bequeathed to you by your relatives, both those with whom you shared your early years and those who died before you were born. In other words, Cancerian, as you age you will gradually cast off your family's bad stuff and become better able to exploit its good stuff. And I bet the next five weeks will be a turning point in this process".
Capricorn Horoscope for week of September 12, 2002
"When we hear someone described as having a good imagination, most of us assume that person must be in the arts. But in fact, some of the world's most creative visualizers are architects, inventors, city-planners, engineers, bridge-makers, and the like: nuts-and-bolts master-builders who design functional things. Of this group, you Capricorns make up a disproportionately high percentage. In fact, it seems that the members of your tribe are usually most imaginative when it comes to transforming practical matters and vivifying concrete details. In the coming weeks, that'll be true in spades."

Monday, September 09, 2002

Interesting news today. My friend and hair stylist, Dainelle, recently moved to a new salon where she'll be working for herself. I had coincidentally called her today... and she wants me to work for her giving massage! This is very interesting.. but her new place is out in B.F.E so getting around will be a hassle.. but that is why I love TRAX More coming soon as I find out more info...
Talked to Kent on the phone tonight... I wanted to make sure that me coming out in October wouldn't be an imposition on him and Alan. He was asking questions about the Celebrating The Body Erotic Program that I am taking and I had a really hard time explaining to him what it is about without coming across as self-depreciating or embarrassed. Joseph Kramer traces this sexual tension back to our Puritanical heritage. "The key to Puritans is there is a battle between good and evil. There's always the devil or evil in some form. With Reagan it was the evil empire, then the Soviet Union fell. Even television has taken this up: Almost every news show has to have two people at war. But I think sex has always been demonized."
WE have deeply rooted conflict over this sexual impulse. At all times we are bombarded by sexual images on the radio, internet and television... but at the same time we are told to wait until marriage to experience sex. That sex is something you do in the dark... you don't talk about it. Feel guilty about masturbating... feel guilty/ dirty about being lusty and desirous. Children and teenagers are not sexual beings. People who enjoy sex are sluts and whores! These thoughts patterns are the main reason that I am GOING to this seminar. To perhaps step in a direction AWAY from this thinking. But I see this also as a step further away from the mainstream casting me even further into the role as an outsider. To be an outsider isn’t necessarily something to be viewed as negative. Outsiders and rebellious thinkers have always been around to critique society and to shape it into something different. In my case... I am looking to heal myself... then take that to others. Somehow I will incorporate my learning from UCMT, Kinergetics, and The Body Electric School together into a formative healing modality. I AM Chiron, the wounded healer.


Sunday, September 08, 2002

I have been working a 40 hour week for the past two weeks to continue my goal of going to this men's retreat in L.A: Celebrating the Body Erotic... plane tickets are only $94 on Travelocity.. and the class is $325... Joseph Kramer and I have e-mailed each other several times back and forth already about what it will be like. there are all kinds of "testimonials" (yay! testimonials, I heart testimonials!) on this site.
I already have enough for the plane ticket and the $100 deposit on the class. Kent is (somewhat) willing to ferry my no-car-having ass to and from the retreat. He gets incredible kudos for this. I feel like I'm imposing on him for sure. I wish that I would have time to hang out w/ him but Im broke and he works... sucks.
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Saturday, September 07, 2002

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Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Of course... immediately after i wrote the previous post the comments come back... how ironic!
I am totally irritated with they have been having server problems for the last three days. When I go to the site, there is no information other than a new server is being installed... which has been the same message for the last two days. Grr. I want my comments back!

Monday, September 02, 2002

Word of the day

Today on a writer used the word "snarky" not once, but twice... I have no idea what it means... well it might mean hip or something but I think I'll start sprinkling the word into conversations.
Example: "That's one snarky hipster!"

Here's the link to the article.

The Ultimate Compliment!

I just gave Mikey's brother, Brian, a massage and he said at one point druing the massage it felt like i had four hands! How cool is that?

Sunday, September 01, 2002

A few notes about the name of this blog... when I was 15/ 16 years old... I came out to my dad... I had been REALLY nervous about it becasue for some reason i thought that he would hate me/ disown me etc. This was completely unsubstantiated... but all i had read were horror stories about coming out to your parents. When I came out to my dad... he said, " Son, don't worry about your Sexuality... worry about your "Paulaity" basically telling me that he didn't care about my sexuality.. as long as I knew who i was.. so in honor of my dad... thats the name of this blog..

Love you dad!
Speaking of sex and ejaculation... go visit Planet Prostate and help Sammy Sperm blast off!
It's 4:34 in the AM on a Sunday morning... I'm listening to KRCL... Radio-Free-Utah (Radeeoo Freeee Utah- thanks Michael Stipe) some really great goth dark shit has been playing and Im totally diggin it. Every late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning they play like 4 hours of great ambient music on a show called "Dark Star Rising".

So I've been going through some shit lately... some deep depression that's been hard to deal with.

I think a lot of my depression has been around for years. I was a quiet kid who kept to myself and read alot...always felt like a bit of an outsider in any group that I was ever a part of. Being gay is either a continuation/extention of those feelings, or was part of the reason I felt like an outsider in the first place (which came first? the chicken or the egg? I ate the chicken then I ate his leg - thank you Beastie Boys)

Being gay/ pre-dominately attracted to men (oh yes I was bi-curious, now i'm bi-experienced - thank you Rachel) is a blessing because it's a great catalyst to begin to question beliefs and thought structures that have been around for ever. the downside is that being gay FORCES you to question beliefs and thought structures that have been around forever. The Cheerleader/Jock Good Christians have it easy. get born. get a girlfriend/boyfriend. get married. have children. go to church. like baseball and apple pie. die. The whole structure pushes you on to the next step and society is built around you. being gay/queer puts you on the outside of that whole structure and can be pretty lonely.

I have guilt built up around being a sexual being. I want sex to be the primacy of a relationship because i don't know how to deal with people in an grown up respectful loving manner. I need/want sex because it's a drug. It's a high. I like and hate the dark side of sexuality. I cruise bathrooms and gym steam rooms. I crave love through a sexual connection and rarely get it. I hate/need anonymous sex. A times I've thought about checking myself into some clinic because i feel like a sex addict. The emotions revolving around my sexuality are extremely conflicted at times and i contemplate suicide when it gets really bad. Some of the depression stems from all of this but I also think that some of all this stems from the depression.. a hungry snake who bites at his own tail until he's full and in pain and not really knowing why he was biting his tail in the first place. A scary roller coaster that has been going up and down and around for so long that it's no longer scary, for the most part, it's just something I've accepted because I don't know how to get off the damn thing.

The depression has been there for a long time.. it's old old old. It's a Mazzy Star cd on endless repeat but turned down so that you can barely hear it. . I think that it's become an issue now becasue I don't have the support group/distraction that was my schooling at UCMT for the past year. The nice thing about it is that I feel like im taking some active steps to deal with this depression. For example:

I'm proud of myself because i chose to go to UCMT when I knew that these issues would come up (in fact, because I KNEW they would come up) I of course picked a profession that would force me to deal with bodies, sexuality and desire on a really really upfront way.

I am reading a few self-help books... my favorite one being "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams Arava. Lots of information on how to deepen sexuality and to connect sexual feelings with the heart. (It also teaches how to develop the self control to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating! The idea being that ejaculation, le petit mort, is exactly that, a little death.)

I am currently working on going to a retreat in Los Angeles called Celebrating The Body Erotic.. it was initially invented and developed by professional body worker and sex coach, Joseph Kramer... now if I can convince Kent, my friend in L.A. to let me stay with him for a weekend (come on kent!) I'll be ready to buy plane tickets and pay for the class... woo hoo!

I continue to learn more about Kinergetics and how emotional issues can be held in the body. I am beginning to work with my Kinergetics mentor, Michael King, about working though some of these issues.


Writing this I don't feel to depressed! but I know that it is cyclical and will come back eventually... so learning to deal with these feelings will be beneficial to me and my life in the future. wish me luck.