Paulality

2005-11-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT SEXUAL HARASSMENT

a note of caution... this video contains blunt and provacative talk about a very sensitive subject.
viewer discretion is advised

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

2005-11-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

Please check out this website if you are into ambient/minimal/dub techno. This label has some great music on it! So far from what I have explored, I especially like Kollectiv Turmstrasse's "Elemental Pleasures" and also Henri Petterson's "My Space" Thanks to Chris for the link!

2005-11-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

Two Thumbs Up

The two of us have been enthusiastically breaking in our dungeon all weekend, but yesterday was the first time we played with a third in our new space. The play partner was cuffed to chains that hang out of our makeshift black plastic drop ceiling and then blindfolded. Josh and I took him on an almost two hour journey of punching, flogging, paddling, and even a bit of fire play with candles and hot wax. Our play date gave us an enthusiastic thumbs up for both the decor and our tandem topping style. Woo hoo.

2005-11-09T00:52:00.000-07:00

Bondage on a Budget
"you can do it, we can help!"

Josh and I have been DIY perverts since our mutual interest in BDSM became known early, early, in our relationship. Except for our dildo's, vibrators, and butt plugs, almost everything in our dungeon has either been DIY or handed down to us from other players here in SLC. We've made canes, slappers, floggers, and paddles out of paint sticks, remnants from belts, and tossed out jump ropes. Nothing says "ingenuity and imagination" better than "pervertable convertables" from Thrift Town, Big Lots, and Home Despot. My first collar was a dog's choke collar from the Dollar Store. We get never ending supplies of clothes pins and clamps from The Dollar Store as well. I've already fashioned a sling out of some wood discraded from the last tennants futon bed. Josh re-upholstered a banana chair and flipped it on it's end to create a spanking/fuck bench. Three cheers for bondage on a budget.

The husband and I spent this previous weekend working on a play space for the two of us, (and whomever would/will want to join us) in our basement. After numerous trips to Homo Depot to get all of what we needed- eye bolts, carabingers, black plastic painters cover, lengths and lengths of chain-and begging and borrowing power tools off of our friends and neighbors; we now have about 100 sq feet of dungeon space in our home. The woman who stayed cutting lengths of chain for me until 10 minutes after closing time actually said to me, "so what are you doing, you going to tie up all 16 of your girlfriends up and not let them escape?"
I replied,"Um yeah, not exactly like that, but you're close."
She laughed.

For a little less than $100. We converted a entire basement room into our comfy, cozy, and sacred little dungeon. It has it's space related challenges for sure-Josh is 6'4" and with his mohawk, he's at least 6'7"-the ceiling is 7" so he doesnt have a whole lot of clearance, but then again if the two of us can learn throw a single tail or flogger with proffeciency in this space, we can pretty much do it anywhere.

I'll most likey be updating this post within a day or so with photos as soon as I transfer the files from the camera to the computer. I am a bit disapointed that we did not get "before" pictures to contrast our "after" pictures.

2005-10-02T20:02:00.000-06:00

I've been painting and creating again after a loooong break. I havent smoked p*t in about 8 weeks, and I have always had a hard time turning off the inner critic society without my favorite herbal antidepressant, so I am pretty proud of myself for painting at ALL. Comments? Criticisms? Complaints? Editorials?

2005-10-02T19:09:00.000-06:00

But then we have adorable kids like this one, the sign reads, "If you can't be right, be loud." On the other side it read, "Only idiots carry signs." His protest against the protestors. I guess there were people down the street from the Pentecostals who were holding signs saying "BAN ARBOR DAY!" just to be discordant and to highlight the ridiculousness of the whole protest.

2005-10-02T19:05:00.000-06:00

Every year, the Pentecostals (of the God Hates Fags, Reverend Phelps pedigree) "protest" the Mormon Church. It's one of the few times I feel protective of the Mormon's and their right to practice their brand of religion

2005-10-02T19:04:00.000-06:00

Same kid... right in front of Castle Faggotry... what are the chances?

2005-10-02T19:02:00.000-06:00

10-1-05 Conference Weekend in SLC... twice a year our little neighborhood fills up with pilgrims from all around the world. These guys were from Idaho and felt like they needed to change clothes in front of our house. One of the perks of living two blocks from the conference center!

2005-09-28T19:48:00.000-06:00

Paul 9-22-05

2005-09-28T19:27:00.000-06:00

I've been cleaning my (our) room today... I sawed a bookshelf in half so it would be less imposing... I think I must of had crack for breakfast or something. Why is it that everytime I clean my room, it ends up looking like a tornado hit it? Luckily, I'm picking up the pieces, assessing the damage, and it's starting to look normal again. Meanwhile I have been listening to some of these guys; if you haven't heard either of these artists... I highly recommend them.

DJ Benny Benassi
Satisfaction (such a good track!!)
Love is Gonna Save US

and then, because I'm as eclectic as ITunes on Shuffle...

Bright Eyes
The Bottom of Everything
The Perfect Sonnet

2005-09-08T03:43:00.000-06:00

Tag, I'm IT. I was tagged by this fine gentleman (woof)

The list of SE7EN

SE7EN ThInGs iD lIkE To dO beFORe i dIE:
7. Go to a foreign country
6. Have kids (adopted, or bequeathed, or whatever)
5. Jump out of an airplane (with a parachute)
4. See the Earth from Outer Space
3. Get Married
2. go to Burning Man
1. Live within my means

SE7VEN THINGS i CAN DO
7. give a kick ass massage
6. kiss like no other
5. killer mixed cds
4. make artwork that makes your eyes (and mind) wander/wonder
3. bake a mean cookie
2. take it like a champ
1. laugh

SE7EN THINGS I CANT DO
7. understand "PNP"
6. see there is all to see
5. do all there is to do
4. have everything i want (in this lifetime at least)
3. throw in the towel
2. get every guy Im attracted to
1. regret

SE7EN THINGS I FIND ATTRACTIVE IN A GUY
7. Sense of humor
6. Sincere Humility
5. A Killer Smile
4. Creativity
3. Body hair in all the right spots (bum, legs, chest, arms, stomach)
2. Ability to receive and give bear hugs
1. An ability to go with the flow in all things

SE7EN THINGS I SAY MOST OFTEN
7. "I fucking love you so fucking much"
6. "that's cool"
5. "um, whatever"
4. "fuck!"
3. "right on"
2. "niice"
1. "that's hot"

SE7EN CELEBRITIES I FIND INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE
7. Jason Statham
6. Aiden Shaw
5. Bruce Willis
4. Johnny Knoxville
3. Collin Farrell
2. Johnny Lee Miller
1. Henry Rollins

SEVEN BLOGGERS I MUST NOW TAG
7. Lauren
6. Chris (does this count.. or is that a tagback? I don't know seven bloggers!)
5. Bekka (I don't think this count's either... she hasnt updated in two years
4. Josh
3. Lori
2. serioulsy... I dont think seven people even read this...
1. no.. for real...and I dont even know seven bloggers...

2005-09-02T03:28:00.000-06:00

a videoblog about Hurricane Katrina from a survivor...

2005-09-02T03:20:00.000-06:00

More info about donating for relief. Give a dollar, give a thousand, give what you can!

2005-09-02T03:17:00.000-06:00

more on the incompetency of our administration, it's dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and some scathing insight... via Lauren's blog..

2005-09-02T03:08:00.000-06:00

I have posted a lot of work on DeviantArt... where there are great artist's.. I like a lot of this guy's work. Check him out. Be aware that lots of his photos are sensual in nature and mainly of men... but then again that's why I like it. Buyer beware! Swim at Your Own Risk!

2005-09-02T03:03:00.000-06:00

on the more serious side... I really wish I had some way of getting ahold of David Taylor's family... Im concerned about him. I know they live in Macon, Georgia... but how many "Taylor's" are in Macon Georgia?

2005-09-02T02:37:00.000-06:00

and now more drag queens... from "Wigstock, The Movie" fame:

Miss Lady Bunny

2005-09-02T00:35:00.000-06:00

And now.. here's the site where all of those were from... Bon Appetit

http://bowerbird.typepad.com/mmmhellooo/

2005-09-02T00:33:00.000-06:00

here, Miss Buttefield is talking about um.. i dont know...

2005-09-02T00:27:00.000-06:00

here's Betty meeting a Buddhist monk. oh my god... watch it to the very end.

2005-09-02T00:22:00.000-06:00

I dont know who Betty Butterfield is... but she is obviously a drag queen from Utah... check her out. I nearly peed!

2005-09-01T00:17:00.000-06:00

from the book Breaking Open The Head, by Daniel Pinchbeck

Modernism caused a profound shift in the way we use our senses. In his book Myth and Meaning, Levi-Strauss admittd to his intial shock when he discovered that Indian tribesmen were able to see the planet Venus in daylight, with the naked eye--"something that to me would be utterly impossible and incredible." But he learned from astronomers that it was feasible, and he found ancient accounts of Western navigators with the same ability. "Today we use less and we use more of our mental capacity than we did in the past," he realized. We have sacrificed perceptual capabilities for other mental abilities- to concentrate on a computer screen while sitting in a cubicle for many hours at a stretch (something those Indians would find "utterly impossible and incredible"), or to shut off multiple levels of awareness aw we drive a car in heavy traffic. In other words, we are brought up within a system that teaches us to postpone, defer, and eliminate most incoming sense data in favor of a future reward. We live in a feedback loop of perpetual postponement. For the most part, we are not even aware of what we have lost.

2005-08-31T21:05:00.000-06:00

So.. man, this sh*t going down in Louisiana is crazy. My friend and ex-boyfriend Dave Taylor moved out there a couple of years ago and we've lost touch. I really hope he's ok. I have been listening to the radio all day and the predictions of the "death of New Orleans" are pretty dire and as the day rolls on.. it only seems to get worse and worse. Stagnant water breeding mosquitoes and West Nile Virus... gasoline and other noxious chemicals speading all over the city. People not geting enough water. It's pretty messed up. I've put a link on my blog to the American Red Cross and to some other blogs with lots of information. Please donate to the Red Cross if you can!

2005-08-27T11:29:00.000-06:00

Ok Ok... this is ridiculous. I have abused and tortured this whole "blog thing" for a very long time. This blog is one that I have had since I moved out to SLC and I have written in it perhaps a total of 30 times... in four years... and most of them are silly picture posts or random generated blog poems.

very sad.

I have left that stupid post, about being jealous that my sister went to spain, for like 4 months now and it's time to post something different... just so I dont come across as a self absorbed a**hole anymore. Not that im not a self-obsessed a**hole but I'd rather not come across as one.

My whole relationship with the internet has changed since I started surfing. I dont surf without a destination as much, or hardly at all, like I used to. I use the internet for three things: to check my e-mail, to post art online, and to settle random trivia bets with people. Ok really it's four things. Gay.com (via Chat Client) being the fourth thing and I use gay.com for two things. to meet boys and to get massage clients. (so is that five things?)

Do people just go on random web hunts anymore? I suppose I really use the internet as a research tool. It's not that I dont use it and go places with it.. I suppose my relationship with the internet is something like when MTV first aired and I would sit in front of the TV for hours afraid to miss a new music video.

I am completely impressed with a couple of people's blogs and strangely, they happen to be friends of mine as well. Okay.. Im impressed with LOTS of peoples blogs, but theses are two good ones with very different perspectives... One is by a new friend, Chris, and the other is by an old and dear friend, Lauren.

please read and enjoy.

I have blog-envy... bad. Everyday I feel like i get further and further behind in being on the up and up with software. I hardly know what all the alphabet soup abbreviations are anymore and that's something that I used to be pretty good at. I suppose this is something all of us will go through at some point or another. The amount of money and time it takes to be a trend setter in the software world is pretty ridiculous.

I will be housesitting/babysitting (tweensitting? they are twin twelve year olds) with Josh for a couple of friends over the next ten days while they go to Burning Man. I will have tons of time to hang out and read, surf, paint, draw, etc. while I am there. Josh and I will be sitting in the hottub and looking up at the stars while our friends are doing the same on the playa out in Nevada. We are looking at it as a chance to go on a "working vacation" and spend some real quality time with each other while the girls are in school.

woo hoo!

2005-06-02T00:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, how selfish and self-absorbed can i be? I'm reading my sister's posts about Spain and actually getting ANGRY and depressed over it instead of ecstatically happy for her because she is having a great time in another country. My inner-whiner is just out of control tonight. Josh just asked me to turn down the music on the computer and I wanted to bark something at him... just because Im annoyed and frustrated. I need to take a "chill pill" (did I just say chill pill?) and go home. The idea of my sister running around in a foreign country brings up some very sensitive subjects for me. The main one being that I feel very ineffective right now. I would love nothing MORE than to be gallavanting around a foreign country and meeting new people and trying new things. Im stuck in a job and a routine that has me just running in place on a treadmill that is going slightly faster than I can match so Im slowly losing ground. (can you lose ground on a treadmill? 'cause somehow, Im doing it.) The gulf between me and financial solvency is getting and wider and wider as the days go on. The days FLY by as I do the same routines over and over again. SIGH.

2005-05-31T04:03:00.000-06:00

I have a page of more of my artwork on this fabulous site, deviantart.com: www.plablo7.deviantart.com. Josh's work is also up on that site at: www.joshmacabre.deviantart.com

check them out and tell me what you think!

Paul

2005-04-18T21:08:00.000-06:00

they make excellent backgrounds for your computer...

2005-04-18T21:04:00.000-06:00

these are designs of mine... done on a Photoshop type editing program

2005-04-18T20:59:00.000-06:00

My tattoo drawing...scanned and edited in Picasa

2005-04-18T20:36:00.000-06:00

another version

2005-04-18T20:35:00.000-06:00

this is an old picture that i tweaked in Photoshop and then ran some additional effects on Picasa... whaddya think?

2005-04-08T20:01:00.000-06:00

Josh at the same Fetish night... he's sooo cute.

2005-04-07T21:19:00.000-06:00

more of 161

2005-04-07T21:17:00.000-06:00

from Fetish night at CLub 161... Josh and I run this little freak show on Monday nights... it's a lot of fun. This is from Wax Play & Clamping night

2005-04-07T21:12:00.000-06:00

Bella

2005-04-07T21:11:00.000-06:00

The dog, at 1 year.

2005-04-07T21:08:00.000-06:00

me, today.

2005-04-07T21:07:00.000-06:00

Me, today

2005-03-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Da Vinci's drawing of a fetus... that I tweaked... I'm into pink right now...

2005-03-30T02:59:00.000-07:00

Me @ The Pie 09/04

2005-03-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

yes, I am the benevolent mother goddess...

2005-03-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

Me and my boy... sigh...

2005-03-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

From The Village Voice article: http://www.villagevoice.com/nyclife/0512,hampton,62296,15.html

2005-03-24T03:33:00.000-07:00

So... Im posting on Blogger again. Im using Hello and Picasa and Gmail (I've become a Google brand whore) they are all really good programs. I found out today that Google owns Blogger (and has since 2002) oh well guess Im a slow learner. I dont really care if anyone reads this at all. This is a way for me to keep friends posted on my life... I don't need readers or subscribers. Who needs the pressure of writing for a mass audience?

2005-03-24T03:19:00.000-07:00

Me in my front yard, Summer 2004

2003-12-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

GASP!

A new entry? What's going on? Paul's bloggin after a year hiatus? weeeird.

2002-10-02T01:54:00.000-06:00

I've been watching late nite tv while I wrote the previous entry... infomercials... I WANT AN ULTIMATE CHOPPER!

2002-10-02T01:24:00.000-06:00

I went to the Coffee Garden today and wrote in my Journal that I occasionally keep: (Last entry before this one was November of 1998...LOL)

...I still like making eclectic mixed tapes, lounge music, (the latest Ultra Lounge sampler, "Vegas! Baby") good movies and guys-who-like-life-intensely-and-like-to-kiss. I still love coffee shops and silly introspection in coffee shops... I still think it would be awesome to open a coffee shop somewhere on the planet w/ Bekka... I went to a private club called "Shaggy's Living Room" last night that was great inspiration for a coffee shop. It seems as if a desire such as this is so constant in my life why not pursue it? Something tragically hip... a cross between Shaggy's Living Room and the "Coffee Garden " (which is where I am right now)... a great place that showcases local artistic talent on the walls and has great mixed tapes on the stereo. Comfy couches and interesting regulars... studio space for photography/painting and more for massage... available for rent and for me to use. If a coffee shop doesn't have an open mic night where people can read their cheesy and self-tortured poetry and play their cheesy, self-tortured esoteric music, it is worth it's community salt?

2002-09-29T14:11:00.000-06:00

An idea from Chad, if "The Squatter in Chief," Dubya, wants to fight this war against Iraq so bad.. why dont we do like in the Ages of Kings: If a King takes us to war, he's in the front line AND if we lose we get to cut off his head! Great deterrent for war, don't ya think?

Sounds fucking good to me.

An Ultimate Fighting Cage-Match with King Georgie Porgie and Sa-damn sounds like another fucking great plan. Really we'd be solving SO many problems all at once. And think of the ratings!! We could market the whole extraaganza ala Super Bowl Sunday. We could have it as a Tag Team! Georgie and Ariel Shaorn vs. Saddam and Yassir Arafat. The winner gets a big gold belt and a permanent retirement from the world of politics. The loser... well it's a cagematch and sorry but I think they wouldnt get to even enjoy being in second place.

2002-09-25T03:39:00.000-06:00

I heard about this book on the Diane Rehm show this morning... (all hail NPR)

The Hydrogen Economy, by Jeremy Rifkin

on a similar note, this is a book that Chad and I own about using systems thinking towards a cleaner corporate world

Natural Capitalism: Creating the Next Industrial Revolution
by Paul Hawken, Amory Lovins, L. Hunter Lovins

2002-09-25T02:42:00.000-06:00

Political Links

The other evening, Chad, Rachel, Mike, Justin, and I saw: Jello Biafra, Krist Novolselic, Jill Sobule (who's hilarious) and Julia "Butterfly" Hill, as a part of The Spitfire Tour.. it was really informative and thought provoking... here are some links to that effect...

Instant Run-Off Voting
a really cool flash demonstration of IRV
People for the American Way
Information about the Green Party
Proportional Representation hosted by Krist Novoselic
Down with corporate advertising: Adbusters!
Al Gore speaking on Dubya's Iraq insanity

2002-09-25T01:35:00.000-06:00

Generated Blog Poem v.1.4

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2002-09-25T01:10:00.000-06:00

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2002-09-25T00:10:00.000-06:00

Main Entry: 1weird
Pronunciation: 'wird
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English wird, werd, from Old English wyrd; akin to Old Norse urthr fate, Old English weorthan to become -- more at WORTH
Date: before 12th century
1 : FATE, DESTINY; especially : ill fortune
2 : SOOTHSAYER

Had a weird experience tonight... was walking home from seeing the Spiderman and Men in Black II double feature at Trolley Square.. Spiderman was a completely awesome movie adaptation of the comic book and Tobey Maguire is totally hot. but I digress... anyway.. as Chad and I were walking back from the movie, i saw three Saab's identical to my friend Michael's Saab... I thought this was odd (weird, really) and told myself that I would call him if I saw another Saab by the time chad and i got home... standing at a crossswalk on 9th East and 4th South forty-five seconds later, a grey Saab identical to his passes us. I called him as soon as I got home... we discussed going to the Celebrating the Body Erotic Class together. This would be really cool and interesting as Michael and I have very oftenfound oursleves on the same journey...Chad says that if you look at the clues around you... you can follow the Golden Thread that The Fates have spun into your life. Is this an example of such a Golden Thread????

2002-09-24T23:47:00.000-06:00

I am sad to report that I won't be going to Los Angeles in a week and a half. I was going back and forth, vacillating between whether or not I should go... I had finally decided that I was going to go and spoke with Kent Sunday night to finalize our itinerary... tickets were $94 dollars on Sunday night... I went back on Monday and they were $200 dollars. Fuck you Travelocity and fuck you Orbitz!

So now I can't really afford to go. I will go at a later date, probably in the first quarter of next year, but it still bums me out a bit that I can't go now. The bright side is that I will be this much closer to getting licensed now, and can start charging people for massages. Woo hoo!

2002-09-14T17:41:00.000-06:00

The Salt Lake City Weekly always has good horoscopes.. and I usually clip out the ones that I think are pertinent to my life. This weeks horoscopes for Cancer and Capricorn (I am a Capricorn rising and a Capricorn moon) are really great, and especially relevant since I am going to be in Los Angeles in 4 weeks, going on what Joseph Kramer describes as a "vision quest" Enjoy.

Cancer Horoscope for week of September 12, 2002

"As you grow older, you will become less enslaved by the negative imprints of your early childhood; you'll become increasingly free from the distortions your soul suffered at the hands of your kin. At the same time, your advancing years will bring a wonderful perk: You'll be able to harvest ever-greater amounts of the valuable gifts bequeathed to you by your relatives, both those with whom you shared your early years and those who died before you were born. In other words, Cancerian, as you age you will gradually cast off your family's bad stuff and become better able to exploit its good stuff. And I bet the next five weeks will be a turning point in this process".

Capricorn Horoscope for week of September 12, 2002

"When we hear someone described as having a good imagination, most of us assume that person must be in the arts. But in fact, some of the world's most creative visualizers are architects, inventors, city-planners, engineers, bridge-makers, and the like: nuts-and-bolts master-builders who design functional things. Of this group, you Capricorns make up a disproportionately high percentage. In fact, it seems that the members of your tribe are usually most imaginative when it comes to transforming practical matters and vivifying concrete details. In the coming weeks, that'll be true in spades."

2002-09-09T23:39:00.000-06:00

Interesting news today. My friend and hair stylist, Dainelle, recently moved to a new salon where she'll be working for herself. I had coincidentally called her today... and she wants me to work for her giving massage! This is very interesting.. but her new place is out in B.F.E so getting around will be a hassle.. but that is why I love TRAX More coming soon as I find out more info...

2002-09-09T00:16:00.000-06:00

Talked to Kent on the phone tonight... I wanted to make sure that me coming out in October wouldn't be an imposition on him and Alan. He was asking questions about the Celebrating The Body Erotic Program that I am taking and I had a really hard time explaining to him what it is about without coming across as self-depreciating or embarrassed. Joseph Kramer traces this sexual tension back to our Puritanical heritage. "The key to Puritans is there is a battle between good and evil. There's always the devil or evil in some form. With Reagan it was the evil empire, then the Soviet Union fell. Even television has taken this up: Almost every news show has to have two people at war. But I think sex has always been demonized."
WE have deeply rooted conflict over this sexual impulse. At all times we are bombarded by sexual images on the radio, internet and television... but at the same time we are told to wait until marriage to experience sex. That sex is something you do in the dark... you don't talk about it. Feel guilty about masturbating... feel guilty/ dirty about being lusty and desirous. Children and teenagers are not sexual beings. People who enjoy sex are sluts and whores! These thoughts patterns are the main reason that I am GOING to this seminar. To perhaps step in a direction AWAY from this thinking. But I see this also as a step further away from the mainstream casting me even further into the role as an outsider. To be an outsider isn’t necessarily something to be viewed as negative. Outsiders and rebellious thinkers have always been around to critique society and to shape it into something different. In my case... I am looking to heal myself... then take that to others. Somehow I will incorporate my learning from UCMT, Kinergetics, and The Body Electric School together into a formative healing modality. I AM Chiron, the wounded healer.

Peace

2002-09-08T19:04:00.000-06:00

I have been working a 40 hour week for the past two weeks to continue my goal of going to this men's retreat in L.A: Celebrating the Body Erotic... plane tickets are only $94 on Travelocity.. and the class is $325... Joseph Kramer and I have e-mailed each other several times back and forth already about what it will be like. there are all kinds of "testimonials" (yay! testimonials, I heart testimonials!) on this site.
I already have enough for the plane ticket and the $100 deposit on the class. Kent is (somewhat) willing to ferry my no-car-having ass to and from the retreat. He gets incredible kudos for this. I feel like I'm imposing on him for sure. I wish that I would have time to hang out w/ him but Im broke and he works... sucks.

2002-09-08T18:55:00.000-06:00

Generated Blog Poem v.1.2

This is a bit addicting...

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2002-09-07T14:55:00.000-06:00

Generated Blog Poem

(Thanks to Lauren for the link!)

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oh yes I feel
like an grown up I of those
feelings, or comment
Paul Campbell : link to depressed! but I
ate the past
year. The link! to myself into conversations. Example: one point
druing the
support group/
that he
care
about my life in the body. Erotic..

2002-09-07T02:04:00.000-06:00

i am

what sexual performer are you?

2002-09-04T16:40:00.000-06:00

Of course... immediately after i wrote the previous post the comments come back... how ironic!

2002-09-04T16:34:00.000-06:00

I am totally irritated with enetation.co.uk... they have been having server problems for the last three days. When I go to the site, there is no information other than a new server is being installed... which has been the same message for the last two days. Grr. I want my comments back!

2002-09-02T18:29:00.000-06:00

Word of the day

"Snarky"

Today on Slate.com a writer used the word "snarky" not once, but twice... I have no idea what it means... well it might mean hip or something but I think I'll start sprinkling the word into conversations.
Example: "That's one snarky hipster!"

Here's the link to the article.

2002-09-02T18:23:00.000-06:00

The Ultimate Compliment!

I just gave Mikey's brother, Brian, a massage and he said at one point druing the massage it felt like i had four hands! How cool is that?

2002-09-01T17:23:00.000-06:00

A few notes about the name of this blog... when I was 15/ 16 years old... I came out to my dad... I had been REALLY nervous about it becasue for some reason i thought that he would hate me/ disown me etc. This was completely unsubstantiated... but all i had read were horror stories about coming out to your parents. When I came out to my dad... he said, " Son, don't worry about your Sexuality... worry about your "Paulaity" basically telling me that he didn't care about my sexuality.. as long as I knew who i was.. so in honor of my dad... thats the name of this blog..

Love you dad!

2002-09-01T07:14:00.000-06:00

Speaking of sex and ejaculation... go visit Planet Prostate and help Sammy Sperm blast off!

2002-09-01T04:39:00.000-06:00

It's 4:34 in the AM on a Sunday morning... I'm listening to KRCL... Radio-Free-Utah (Radeeoo Freeee Utah- thanks Michael Stipe) some really great goth dark shit has been playing and Im totally diggin it. Every late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning they play like 4 hours of great ambient music on a show called "Dark Star Rising".

So I've been going through some shit lately... some deep depression that's been hard to deal with.

I think a lot of my depression has been around for years. I was a quiet kid who kept to myself and read alot...always felt like a bit of an outsider in any group that I was ever a part of. Being gay is either a continuation/extention of those feelings, or was part of the reason I felt like an outsider in the first place (which came first? the chicken or the egg? I ate the chicken then I ate his leg - thank you Beastie Boys)

Being gay/ pre-dominately attracted to men (oh yes I was bi-curious, now i'm bi-experienced - thank you Rachel) is a blessing because it's a great catalyst to begin to question beliefs and thought structures that have been around for ever. the downside is that being gay FORCES you to question beliefs and thought structures that have been around forever. The Cheerleader/Jock Good Christians have it easy. get born. get a girlfriend/boyfriend. get married. have children. go to church. like baseball and apple pie. die. The whole structure pushes you on to the next step and society is built around you. being gay/queer puts you on the outside of that whole structure and can be pretty lonely.

I have guilt built up around being a sexual being. I want sex to be the primacy of a relationship because i don't know how to deal with people in an grown up respectful loving manner. I need/want sex because it's a drug. It's a high. I like and hate the dark side of sexuality. I cruise bathrooms and gym steam rooms. I crave love through a sexual connection and rarely get it. I hate/need anonymous sex. A times I've thought about checking myself into some clinic because i feel like a sex addict. The emotions revolving around my sexuality are extremely conflicted at times and i contemplate suicide when it gets really bad. Some of the depression stems from all of this but I also think that some of all this stems from the depression.. a hungry snake who bites at his own tail until he's full and in pain and not really knowing why he was biting his tail in the first place. A scary roller coaster that has been going up and down and around for so long that it's no longer scary, for the most part, it's just something I've accepted because I don't know how to get off the damn thing.

The depression has been there for a long time.. it's old old old. It's a Mazzy Star cd on endless repeat but turned down so that you can barely hear it. . I think that it's become an issue now becasue I don't have the support group/distraction that was my schooling at UCMT for the past year. The nice thing about it is that I feel like im taking some active steps to deal with this depression. For example:

I'm proud of myself because i chose to go to UCMT when I knew that these issues would come up (in fact, because I KNEW they would come up) I of course picked a profession that would force me to deal with bodies, sexuality and desire on a really really upfront way.

I am reading a few self-help books... my favorite one being "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams Arava. Lots of information on how to deepen sexuality and to connect sexual feelings with the heart. (It also teaches how to develop the self control to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating! The idea being that ejaculation, le petit mort, is exactly that, a little death.)

I am currently working on going to a retreat in Los Angeles called Celebrating The Body Erotic.. it was initially invented and developed by professional body worker and sex coach, Joseph Kramer... now if I can convince Kent, my friend in L.A. to let me stay with him for a weekend (come on kent!) I'll be ready to buy plane tickets and pay for the class... woo hoo!

I continue to learn more about Kinergetics and how emotional issues can be held in the body. I am beginning to work with my Kinergetics mentor, Michael King, about working though some of these issues.

WOO HOO

Writing this I don't feel to depressed! but I know that it is cyclical and will come back eventually... so learning to deal with these feelings will be beneficial to me and my life in the future. wish me luck.